Sorry but I'm not sorry.
I haven't been posting at all the past few weeks. It's hard to believe that it's already been a few weeks since I injured my toe and went to Vegas (in case you're wondering, my toe is fine, and I had my nail removed. It now looks "less" weird).
Anyways, I'm sitting here in my room. Actually I've been sitting here alone since 2 pm, and I haven't gotten anything done. Is it possible to somehow procrastinate for 10 hours? I don't even know what I've been doing for the past 10 hours. But I realized that this is something that's been happening for a very long time. I can't even remember when I started to do things like this, where I zone out, lost in my thoughts, for hours upon hours.
And I realize that it's this exact same thing that's been causing issues for me in a lot of different ways, academics being the most easiest thing to gauge.
The reason I say these things now is because I just had a sudden eureka moment...maybe eureka's not the right word, but an epiphany of sorts. And of all things, it was listening to the song, "Animal" by Kesha.
It's been stuck in my head for a little while. I keep coming back to it, but this time, something about the song opened up my mind to a bigger picture, and "attuned" me to the sense of the world. I don't know what the fuck I just said but it was something like that. Maybe it was because I was looking out my window at the same time at the beautiful view of the landscape and the night sky.
I don't know.
But what I do know is that although I've known it for a while, something needs to change. I think I've always been playing catch-up with myself, always doing things last minute, and then getting more things piled on, and on and on it goes.
Perhaps its a bittersweet feeling I constantly have.
I'm never quite sad, never quite happy. Just existing and living day by day. Living each moment. And that's a beautiful thing, don't get me wrong, but right now is not the time to be doing that.
Hence why "I need this." The one time I managed to get a section of my life in order, I was posting on my blogs. It was a ways for me to tell the world what I was up to, but most importantly, a way for me to keep a check on myself. I need to keep myself accountable, but it always helps when there's other people.
I don't know if anyone reads my blogs anymore. It doesn't matter.
I post for me.
But I promise I will post often.